sarea | Jupiter Ascending - now with pics!

Verdict: Jupiter Ascending is so bad, it's good.

It is an unapologetic space opera. It is cheesy. It has many, many issues, and if you must know what they are, I will share them under a cut in a bit. But I'm not even sure I could capture it all.

The thing is... It was also fun. As I mentioned the other day, I wanted to see it because Channing Tatum. Also from the trailer I really wanted to see Mila's outfits (they don't disappoint). Plus it's the Wachowskis, and because of The Matrix, they will always get a chance. (Aside: I still remember the feelings I had after I first saw The Matrix. It was one of the best movie-going experiences I've ever had. It was thrilling, exhilarating. D. agrees and says it's because every scene had something that we had never seen before. The Wachowskis earned never-expiring benefit of the doubt from me because of it.)

Despite its issues, there was something about Jupiter Ascending that made me willing to forgive it all. It wasn't good, but it was a damn good spectacle. Even as I cringed, I laughed and rooted for the heroes. I can't explain it... But I'd see it again.

I dreaded the lights going up, because then D. would ask me what I thought of the movie, and I would have to admit (shamefully) that I enjoyed it. I was surprised, when the credits started rolling, that one person actually clapped. Clapped. Maybe it was sarcastic. But hearing the rumblings from the other people filing out, there seemed to be a general sense of good humor. I heard several people proclaim (defensively) that they actually liked it.

D. overheard a few critics tell the publicist that they hated it. That's fair. It has a terrible critical review score on Rotten Tomatoes, and it should. No real movie critic should actually like this movie, probably. And the audience rating will probably not be much higher, but if there are more people like me out there, it might actually get to be pretty decent. :))

When I told D. that I thought it was so bad it was good, he asked me to explain myself. After I had exhausted everything I wanted to say, he told me that he had really enjoyed it. I was shocked. I had expected him, like any proper critic, to hate it. I've been appreciative of his movie choices before (we seem to have similar taste), but this pretty much cements it. He's not afraid to like bad things, or to admit that he does, and I like that about him. When he posted his feelings about JA to Twitter, the reaction was swift and merciless. Some people threw their hands up and said that they would never be able to predict what he would like and not like. A fierce debate broke out about which was the worse movie: Jupiter Ascending or Blackhat? (D. hated Blackhat and I haven't seen it, so I can't take a side, but given that I actually liked JA, it probably doesn't matter.) Then there were the people who demanded an explanation of how he could possibly have liked it.

But... There is absolutely no way to logically explain why I liked this movie. I don't think D. could either. I fully recognize that it has flaws galore. Here's the thing. It doesn't matter. Why does this or that happen? Who is XYZ exactly, and whose side are they really on? What does doing ABC mean that DEF happens? Answer: It. doesn't. matter. Your desire for logic and character development and all that jazz is so cute. Who cares? IT DOESN'T MATTER!

You want me to prove that I actually see its flaws and they just don't faze me (for some inexplicable reason)? OK, here's a small list. It probably doesn't even capture everything. But -- that's right -- it doesn't matter. I can just laugh it all off.

- What in the WORLD was with the woman who Jupiter worked for, who had the name that the aliens were looking for? Why did they have her name, implying that she was actually the true queen? And yet, when Jupiter used her name at the clinic, she just happened to be the actual true queen? What?

- The whole beginning of the movie was kind of a head scratcher. Why would generic thieves just bust into a home Mafia style? And then just take some trinkets?

- We see Jupiter living her humdrum life, and then she's meeting Channing Tatum and going to alien planets next, barely blinking at the situation change. I mean, not that I wouldn't be happy if Channing Tatum just showed up to save my life and told me I was the queen of some alien race, but you'd think there'd be more discombobulation than there was. (This is a common complaint I have about people who are confronted with fantastical experiences.)

- Who created the Aegis? It's like the universal police, right? Why would a universe that has these supreme ruling beings even have a police force that they'd need to answer to? Why would they create such a thing?

- So Channing Tatum has some kind of past, right? What did he used to be, and what did he do that got him stripped of his duties, again? There seemed to be more there, what with his having ripped out someone's throat, but... I guess we'll never know!

- How does he know Sean Bean again, and what was Sean Bean's deal? As in, who was he double crossing those two times and why? And was Sean's daughter the daughter in Broadchurch? Why does he even care about who Jupiter really is, when she doesn't even know who she is?

- The Wachowskis reused their idea from The Matrix about human beings being, essentially, batteries, but as it's a pretty good cosmic explanation for how humans came to be in the universe, let's just go with it. So why do they do one big harvest of the planets they own? Wouldn't it be more efficient to just take a few humans here and there forever, continually replenishing their supply, since it's apparently incredibly easy to make us forget shit?

- What do the other people on the planet(s)/spaceships the Abrasax family live on, do? Do they also get to live for a freakishly long time? What are their industries? What does the bureaucratic office (I loved that part) do for other people?

- What was the point of having them all be related, when there was little to no commentary about how awful they all were to each other, considering they were supposed to be family?

- And where was their dad, anyway? Why would the mom even want such evil children around?

- Why wouldn't Eddie Redmayne just kill Jupiter, regardless of the will? With her dead, it would be ages, if ever, that someone like her, the exact DNA replica of their mother, came into being again, so he would still be the heir.

- And what was with the focus on contract law and being the 'heir' anyway? Who could actually challenge him, if he were to lay claim to Earth and its humans? It's not like Jupiter has an army of her own. And the Aegis seems to only consist of the one ship, and even if it were a whole fleet, would they really concern themselves with the infighting of 3 super egotistical people and their inheritance claims?

- Not that I didn't appreciate this part, but did Channing Tatum really need to be shirtless for the first of the many times he had to rescue Jupiter? (Also, he's nowhere near as cut as he used to be... or as he appears to be in Magic Mike 2. Sad face.)

- Speaking of rescuing Jupiter, could that have been required any more times? Seriously, I'm glad she was able to take out Eddie Redmayne at the end, but I wasn't crazy about how much she needed to be rescued.

- Aaaaand speaking of Eddie Redmayne, how awesomely terrible was his overacting? It was another instance of something being so bad it was good. The way he was monotone for 98% of the movie, and then would occasionally just scream his lines, was pretty awesome.

- Where did the sister go after that last scene with her? And what about the other brother?

- Did Channing Tatum have an accent?

- Who did Jupiter's makeup during all the outfit changes? I mean, at least in The Hunger Games Katniss has a makeup person. Are we supposed to believe that they provided makeup, and Jupiter dutifully put it on herself? Preposterous!

- When Titus asked Jupiter to marry him and Jupiter agreed, was there a scene that was cut that was of her saying, "But you're technically my son"? No?

- One of the best comments I've seen: "So Channing Tatum being half wolf means a bad dye job and pointy ears. Just like a real wolf."

I just found a ton of promo pics and have to share the ones of Jupiter's outfits. So gorgeous! What I wouldn't give to have her wardrobe. And that of Rose DeWitt Bukater's!

Here's the dress that caught my eye in the trailer:

She also wore this gauzy lavender number that I loved. Reminded me of the girlish dress Rose wore in Titanic after Jack had done the painting. Wish there was a promo shot of Mila in this dress, but all I could find were some not-so-great stills and a poster.