melancholia

[sarea]

1. They put crack in the bagels from Noah's Bagels, right? Because I have gotten in to the habit of getting a toasted sun-dried tomato bagel with garlic/herb cream cheese in the mornings, and it's so damn good. Crack is the only explanation.



2. I was going to take Monday off and see Marian Keyes with corianderstem in complete relaxation, but of course something's cropped up and it looks like I'll be working through the weekend. AGAIN. :-l



3. Some of you will identify with this, I know: You have this big project that you've been assigned, yet the funding you're working with is totally ridiculous. Yes? Well, that happened to me ... I've got two projects that I own at the moment. One has a budget of $65K, which is fine. The other budget is $24K, and considering what they want me to do with it, is not enough. My response to upper management was that if they want me to build something decent, I am going to need a budget of at least $75K. The shocking thing was their response, which was, "OK." Which is a little unnerving, because now I have no excuse if I can't deliver. So somehow I now have a budget of $140K, when two years ago I didn't manage any budgets at all. This sort of leads me to...



4. Have you ever took a step back from your life and gone, "WTF? This is my life? This is so not how I thought it would be..." I've had three occasions recently that made me think along those lines:
   
   1. Talking to my friend J., who called the other night. We went to high school together, and she's one of the few friends that I keep in (semi)regular touch with from that era. It's been nearly 10 years since high school, which is absolutely crazy to think about. Anyway, every time I talk to her, I feel sort of like ... my life is completely surreal. Like it's not my life. She's in business school at the University of Chicago, and she's going to be doing an internship this summer in Japan with Morgan Stanley (she's into investment banking), and pretty much everyone else I hear about from high school has gone into law school or medical school or something like that. In short, doing the things I always assumed I would be doing as well.
      
      I always thought I'd be a mover and shaker in the world -- not necessarily because I wanted to be one, but because that was just ... the only thing I could be. That was my future, whether I wanted it or not. (Which is an odd thing, maybe, to assume ... but it's not actually that surprising considering my environment.) I mean, I was determined to (and did) graduate from college in 3 years, with the sole purpose of being that person. (I was stupid; I'd give anything to have been able to enjoy college for two or three more years.) But somehow, the path I was on diverged, and I'm still not quite sure how it happened.
      
      So the fact that I didn't go to grad school is always on my mind. I don't think I would want to go back to school at this point, but I'd always assumed I'd get a higher degree than just my BA, and sometimes it gets me down that I haven't ... even if I can't think of what the hell kind of higher degree I would really want. If that makes any sense.
      
      Anyway, talking to J. always makes me feel inadequate, though she in no way does it deliberately. It's just hearing what she's up to that hits some chord in me.
   
   
   
   2. Sort of related to the above, I was just talking to one of my team members, and he asked how old I was. When he heard the answer he was all, "Wow. You're like, a prodigy." Which kind of bothered me. Why? Because I'm a woman and relatively young? Do those factors make you surprised that I can do my job? I know he meant it in a nice way, but I think it was that on top of my recent feelings re: my talk w/ J. that just bothered me. Because I frankly don't think that I am a 'prodigy' AT ALL. So the fact that he would say that made me feel even more like I wasn't really on the right path/doing what I should be doing. I know that probably makes no sense at all, but it's how it made me feel.
   
   
   
   3. The Friends finale. As a season capper, it was fine. As an end to the entire series, it was severely lacking. The show was not good at all this year, and even though there were moments, it seems clear that they should have ended it last year. And I'm glad I don't have to hear NBC trumping it up to insane proportions any more, making it bigger and better than it was. The one thing I did like was that it was just a 'regular' episode. They didn't do some crazy thing with it to try and be all surprising (though some of it was too predictable). I only really started to get nostalgic about the show when I put it into perspective of how long I've been watching it.
      
      When Friends began, it was 1994 and I was 16. This was the year:
      
      
      1. I was a junior in high school.
      
      
      2. I got my braces off, and fell in love with my own smile. :D
      
      
      3. I took the SATs for the first time, the results of which would decide my future for the next 3-4 years.
      
      
      4. I got my driver's license and my first car.
      
      
      5. I had my first boyfriend. (A tall, skinny blond. <g>)
      
      
      6. I weighed 13 lbs. less than I do today.
      
      
      7. Probably other things I can't remember ... but Friends was the constant in all the subsequent years. And that's really cool/strange to think about.
   
   
5. One summer, I tried vegetarianism. I lost 12 lbs. Considering this cholesterol thing, I'm thinking of trying it again. So far, I have not eaten any meat today, so this is Day One. Let's see how long I can last.



6. Completely frivolous musings: Jade and I were talking the other night about what we'd like to look like if we could take parts of different celebrities and mesh them all together (though these things never work the way they're supposed to, and the result would probably not be what we imagine). We chose:
   
   1. Kristin Kreuk's face
   
   
   2. Shiri Appleby's hair
   
   
   3. Jennifer Aniston's torso
   
   
   4. Gwen Stefani's legs

Comments

[akscully.livejournal.com]

RE: #4

Please stop sharing my brain.

[sarea-okelani.livejournal.com]

<333 your icon.

Well, at least you're younger than me. Don't make my mistakes! It's not too late for you, d00d.

But anyway, yeah, I'm all depressed now.

[jade-okelani.livejournal.com]

Sigh. Way to make me feel inadequate about my life.

Good for you at getting it out, though. I mean -- every once in awhile, the ennui just weighs down on you and you've got to get it out. And I think your particular ennui has been building for quite some time, and getting worse in stages, and it's all kind of closing in on you, so maybe this will help you not meltdown.

And while I know this isn't why you made the post, I'll say it anyway: I love you just as you are, no matter what you decide to do with your life. I honestly believe you have the intelligence, talent, and drive to do anything you wanted to do with your life (except perhaps be a lawyer *eg*), and that is not meant to encourage you to feel bad about what you are doing with your life -- I just figured it might be nice to hear. In semi-public and everything. <3333

[sarea-okelani.livejournal.com]

Awwwww, thanks. >:D< Though yes, it's about me being dissatisfied w/ my life, not you being dissatisfied w/ me (really, as if that would happen hahahahahaha).

And I know that relatively speaking, I shouldn't be whining. But as if that ever stops anyone. I can't help but think, too, that maybe if I were more satisfied w/ other areas of my life, not just work, the work thing wouldn't be such a huge deal.

It's worse than a meltdown ... it's like I've been dying for days, which have turned into years. Not that I'm melodramatic or anything.

So while I'm being all depressed, let's drag out all the things that haven't gone my way (see icon).

[jade-okelani.livejournal.com]

I know. That's really all I have to say. I also wanted to flash the icon, because while things are going good now, you know, by the very nature of the mythos, this can't possibly work out in the end, either, so it fits the theme. :D

[sarea-okelani.livejournal.com]

What do you mean?! It could so work out!! The only ship that's destined for failure is Clark/Lana.

[jade-okelani.livejournal.com]

Come now. You and I both know Lana is destined to sleep with the fishes.

[sarea-okelani.livejournal.com]

:O

Take it back, you devil spawn!!!

[jade-okelani.livejournal.com]

FINE. But only because I just found this interview w/KK:

Tom Welling recently provided some information concerning the end of the third season, notably on the fact that there could be something that brings Lex and Lana together. What can you say on the subject?

Kristin Kreuk: Tom has a big mouth. (laughs) He just can't seem to keep a secret. (laughs) Although I can't imagine that he shared anything big because, to date, we don't know how the story evolves. But, since it is apparently no longer a secret, there is indeed a question that brings Lex and Lana closer and it apparently makes Clark jealous...

[sarea-okelani.livejournal.com]

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEG

[connaka.livejournal.com]

Hey d00d. I've found a little something that I think you might like. But first, *hugs* (just 'coz it seemed you could use one.) *g*

So anyway, as I was lj-surfing or hopping (whatever you wanna call it) tonight, I came upon TEH Cutest icon! Anyhow, it made me think of you! Naturally, 'coz of course you're aware of how we all know how you SQUEE over little blonde boys and red-headed little girls. Bwahahahaha. SO, feast your eyes on this pair of adorable cuties (http://userpic.livejournal.com/12935543/1514325), sarea_okelani :)) Hee! You like???

Well, there ya go. Hope it cheered you up some, man.

[sarea-okelani.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs, d00d! I do feel better now (from time to time I just get bummed), and I love that icon! It's totally cheered me up. :D

[seldon.livejournal.com]

Re# 4: you are not alone. Hey, I thought that when I was going to be 26 I would be married, with a house of my own, partially self-employed and living in Tuxtla - neither of which looks like it'll happen in time for this August (or next August, for that matter). And sometimes I wonder why, and it makes me question everything I've achieved (or haven't). And watching your friends marry, buy houses and have kids only makes things worse.

But then I realize that it doesn't mean things are bad. Besides the obvious "at-least-you-are-not-in-the-streets" diatribe most people throw my way, there's something else that makes me feel better: the last ten years haven't been in vain. I learned, loved, lived, danced, sung, drove, watched, spoke, traveled and done so much - many things that I wasn't planning to do, and I've enjoyed every one of those situations. And while I still haven't been able to reach the goals of my life, being able to take a wide detour has made me realize what I don't want - and I know that someday I'll get there.

It's get frustrating, sometimes, yes. But sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes, I even enjoy it.

And heck, we are still young ;) So hang in there. :)

One summer, I tried vegetarianism. I lost 12 lbs. Considering this cholesterol thing, I'm thinking of trying it again. So far, I have not eaten any meat today, so this is Day One. Let's see how long I can last.

I have my doubts about vegetarianism being a healthy way of life - we do have fangs, which means that if nature wanted us to be vegetarians then cows would be made out of soy *g*. Anyway, when you go vegan some of the weight you lose is fat, but some of it might be muscle, so be sure to get a decent amount of proteins and an small amount of exercise to prevent that, OK?

And you just made me crave a toasted sun-dried tomato bagel with garlic/herb cream cheese, even while I've never had such a thing - but it sure sounds delicious. A pity that being able to get such a thing in my country is almost as impossible as Hermione/Draco taking place in canon. You are evil.

[connaka.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear it! :))

[sarea-okelani.livejournal.com]

Dude. <3333333 you.

you are not alone.

You know, misery really does love company. I think it does help to know that hey, most people would probably want to change at least one aspect of their lives, that no one thinks they've got a perfect life. It's kind of the 'grass is greener' syndrome, which I totally have ... I know myself well enough to know that there will probably never come a point when I go, "Yeah, that's just right. I can't think of even one way my life could be improved."

sometimes I wonder why, and it makes me question everything I've achieved (or haven't)

Right, that's exactly it. This mood just comes over me from time to time ... I don't think of myself as a typically gloomy person ... cynical, maybe, but in a cheerful way. :D But once in awhile, all my daily discontent added together forces me to make a whiny post like this. <g>

the last ten years haven't been in vain

No, you're absolutely right. I mean, definitely in the last 10 years I've done things that I'd never want to give back/change. I think this is a more recent kind of discontent, like from two years ago. Two years ago, I was 24 and felt like I still had plenty of time. Now I feel like I've been treading water in the years since, so nothing's happened and I no longer have the luxury of being all, "Well, I'm only 24." (I think that arbitrary "mark" happened at age 25.)

I know that someday I'll get there.

Dude, that is so an attitude I wish I had. Sometimes, I have it. And it's a really peaceful feeling. But lately I haven't been feeling that. Lately it's been mostly panic and concern. :p

I have my doubts about vegetarianism being a healthy way of life - we do have fangs, which means that if nature wanted us to be vegetarians then cows would be made out of soy *g*.

Hahahahahahaha ... don't worry, I would not be doing it out of some "I cannot eat the cute animals" thing. More because of the recent cholesterol news and the fact that most of that badness comes from animal products. I LOVE MEAT. In fact, I already "broke" the vegan diet today (and it wouldn't be strict vegan; it would just be no land-animal-meat, so I could still get protein from fish and such).

small amount of exercise to prevent that

That's really what I need to do: exercise more. Don't know if I can give up meat the way I did that summer (recent events would indicate "no" :D), but I think just getting more exercise would help a lot. Heehee, you're like my therapist!!

And you just made me crave a toasted sun-dried tomato bagel with garlic/herb cream cheese, even while I've never had such a thing - but it sure sounds delicious. A pity that being able to get such a thing in my country is almost as impossible as Hermione/Draco taking place in canon. You are evil.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, excellent analogy. Although I feel badly that I have cruelly taunted you with this delicious breakfast item. Tell you what, if you're ever in the Seattle area, my first order of business will be to take you to Noah's. >:D

[seldon.livejournal.com]

(I think that arbitrary "mark" happened at age 25.)

Oh, tell me about it! And you are not alone in this either - our decimal and binary encoded brain thinks of "25" as one of those magic numbers that change everything. I've known more than one person that foes through a life crisis as soon as they hit 25 - or at least, they think something has changed, even while the only thing that did was their age. I'm going through that right now.

Heehee, you're like my therapist!!

And it doesn't cost you a penny. ;)

Tell you what, if you're ever in the Seattle area, my first order of business will be to take you to Noah's. >:D<

I'll hold you to it ;)